February 7, 2010

• Useless and Disabled

  Early this morning, I could not open my right eye.  I looked in the mirror, and was horrified to find that my eye is completely swollen- extending from under my eyebrow all the way into my cheek.  We got some medicine at the pharmacy, but my eye hasn't improved at all today.  I'll probably visit a doctor tomorrow. *sigh. Why now? Of all times to get get sick!

  Not only am I on my "vacation" in another country, but this is a crucial time when I was asked to do some really important work with the NGO and local hospital.  I stayed up late preparing a lecture to give to the local nurses, and was planning to lecture everyday this week.  Now with my eye infection, I can't go to work for a few days.  That means I can't see patients, I can't train nurses and nursing students, nor meet with the doctors and NGO coordinators to help improve the system.  I can't do any of that now... all I can do is sit here, be miserable, and write on xanga.  I feel so useless.  ARGH! 

  On a more personal note... not being able to see is really scary.  My right eye is swollen shut, very uncomfortable and won't stop tearing.  I have no depth perception.  I can't focus as well with only one eye.  I have to turn my head completely to see anything on my right side.  I can't open my left eye wide open either, and I'm worried that the infection will spread from my right eye to my left (which might happen).  If it does, then I will be temporarily blind, unable to open both eyes. 

  What would life be like, if I were to lose my vision in my right eye? Or be completely blind?  I...

  wouldn't be able to do bedside nursing (maybe I could be one of those nurses who gives advice on the phone?) wouldn't see the faces of my loved ones anymore (really depressing), wouldn't be able to see the beauty of the Lord's creation (really saddening too), wouldn't be able to read anymore (sigh, I love reading stories), and it would be really difficult to write too (and I really really love writing), wouldn't be able to take photos anymore (I love preserving memories that way), oh gosh I wouldn't be able to scrapbook anymore! (waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... ) and I'm sure there are so many more things, but perhaps my pessimistic imagination is getting carried away so I should stop here.

  I guess this is where faith comes in.  Hoping in things unseen.  Lord, give me faith to trust in You completely, to rely on Your strength, to know that my life is in You, my Hope is in You, and no matter what happens, You have a plan for me and it's a good one.

   

  • 11:44 am
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